Peter.

Sometimes I feel myself get stuck in a loop of comparison. Usually, it´s during times of low socialization and an increased amount of hours scrolling on Tiktok, Facebook or Instagram. During these times, I often find myself repeating phrases or questions like:

• “Their life is so easy.”
• “God, why do I have to deal with this and they don’t?”
• “If only I was born with their body…”
• “Everyone else has stuff to do and I’m alone at home”
• Etc. 

I repeat these phrases after countless pictures of smiling people surrounded by friends at the beach or influencers that are paid to be pretty or motivational. As if I am the only with personal struggles. As if I’m the only laying on my bed wishing I was someone else. These phrases, especially when repeated with no end in sight, often bring us to a point of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. There’s a sort of low that you feel that is similar to coming-down off of drugs – like you have no more dopamine left in your body to try. 

Sometimes, it’s even worse with the people I follow who are Christian. I read countless captions of “inspiring” words of wisdom or “joy” and I end up feeling like the only one that has a bad day. Or like I’m the only that is struggling with sin (which is so not true, read 1 Peter 5:9). But, when we surround our hours of free time with endless scrolling and comparing, instead of something productive or life-giving, it leaves us feeling lifeless. 

Now, I am not here to give you advice on social media addiction, or bring you down for writing inspirational quotes underneath pictures of you smiling at the beach; but I am here to tell you about something that shook me awake the other day in my bible reading. Because that’s what I do. 

Yesterday, or by the time you’re reading this a few days ago, I was sitting on my couch reading the Bible and these thoughts (above) we’re circling my head like a penny looking for the slot. I felt burdened and tired and unmotivated to read, and I almost thought about not even opening my bible up. I was sad. I felt unworthy. So, I took a sip of my coffee and read the paragraph in devotional, but nothing hit home for me. So, I opened my bible to the verses that tagged along which was John 21:17-25. 

If you’re not familiar with the text, I will sum it up for you. This passage is about when Jesus goes to see the disciples after he has resurrected – and mainly about his conversation with Peter – and He’s eating with them at the table. This is when He turns to Peter and asks him three times whether or not Peter loves Him. Most of us know about this moment. The verses I want to focus on is John 21:18-22: 

“Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”

 Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”) When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?”

 Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.”

My heart sunk after I read this interaction with Jesus and Peter. Embarrassingly enough, oftentimes I feel like Peter. And in that moment, I realized I was doing exactly what Peter did in this passage.  I was looking at other people’s lives and saying, “but, God, what about them?”. Instead of thanking God for the thorn in my side that keeps me humble, I was picking at it and asking God “but, why me?”.  

There is often this temptation in me to “excuse” my bad behavior, or my sin, because “no one knows how hard I have it”, and I think many of us feel this way (if you don’t, then awesome!). But, of course, what Jesus responds has rung in my head clearly these past few days, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” Because this is exactly how we correct this thinking or behavior. When we take our eyes off Jesus, even for a second, we start to peer into other people’s lives to compare and contrast. We begin to follow their ideal for life, and not the ideal of Jesus’ will on our lives. 

God so clearly provides not what we want, but what we need – and for that we should be thankful. Physical life isn’t meant to fulfil us. Only God is. 

So, whatever God provides is enough. And wherever He leads us, we must follow.

hello.

As we sit here on the edge of our seats waiting for the president to talk about the state of emergency that Peru is in, I thought I would write a little update about my life here in Peru. As of right now, there is a loose quarantine in Arequipa. I say loose because really the only thing that’s changed for me is I need to be in my house by 6 and most of the stores are closed on Sundays. Luckily for me, as I am networking and building community here, I don’t have much responsibility yet (like owning a store or business) so the quarantine is solely a nuisance to me. But, there are people struggling to survive here and I can feel it in the air when I get the opportunity to walk or go to the roof to hang my clothes to dry. Even though people are struggling and the culture of Peru is changing without the ability to give a greeting kiss, every one is still helping each other out. The thing I love most about this place is that every encounter is a blessing. Peruvians are very helpful people and, most times, you walk away feeling blessed. My heart has never been so full – if I’m honest.

As of right now, I am taking classes every day, and I am also teaching kids English as well through Google Meet. I got my TEFL certification last year and I thank God that I was able to get my foot in the door with an organization called Change. The only catch is I need to get my workers visa – and there’s no way to do while Peru is shutting down left and right. I, sadly, can only stay in the country on a tourist visa for 183 days out of a 365 year. So, if I can’t get the workers visa before June – I will have to go home and find a way back. I am scared that the state of emergency will last longer than my stay, and I will have to wait until 2022 to enter again. I would love some prayers from anyone who is willing. I know in my heart that God did not bring me here just to send me back home 6 months later. Either way, I have accepted the fact that my fate is no longer in my hands – only God knows.

Every evening, when Carlo calls to pray me to sleep, we pray for life to start heading back to some sort of normal, or stable, state. I know God didn’t leave us, He is there, He has a plan, things don’t happen without reason – these are the things I must repeat to myself when I feel anxiety creeping in.

Whatever happens, God is in control.

Israel.

A word that echoes in my brain these last few days (in reality this last year) is stillness. It’s a word that many people struggle with, or have struggled with, not just this last year but in years between plans, or in grief. Every Christian must encounter this word in their walk with the Father. It’s important to approach it with gladness and an open heart. 

I am someone who hates this word. Detests it. I know how strong that statement is, and I mean every sentiment behind it. It involves patience (ugh), quietness (gross) and simple faith in the words of God. I say simple not because it’s easy, but because I think in a time of stillness our questions must be few and far between. 

I like to plan – this does not mean I’m not spontaneous, just ask my mother or father. I like to do. I like to move, I like to run, I like to question how things work and have solid answers that help me better understand the insane world around me. I like to meet people and make them laugh and share life experiences with one and another. I like long walks and discovering new places around the neighborhood I have yet to explore. I like to dance. Listen to music; really, listen to anything. I like to plan, be planning or doing the plan I have set for myself for that day, month or year – I don’t like waiting. 

But, with this trip to Peru, God taught me before going how important waiting is and now during, He’s really hammering in just what it means to be still. I have lots of alone time, and lots of time to think. For people like my boyfriend, that style of life is perfect and simple. But, for people like me, it’s a little excruciating and hard. The days are long, and the nights seem unworthy of sleep. At first, in quarantine, I watched the clock and planned my days to the hour, so I had plenty to do. But now I am learning that doesn’t work here. It is much more fun now that I am getting the hang of this life and because I have a God that knows exactly what I need. Better than I do (really, I am learning I have no idea). 

As we all know, I am going through the Bible in a year and I am now in Exodus (talk about a wild book). The other day I read about how God brought the Israelites out of Egypt. I always resonate with the Israelites. How foolish I am sometimes in this walk with my Father. 

The passage that struck my heart with clarity was in Exodus 14. There is a specific verse that blew my mind with how close our story can be to this group of people, but first I want to give some context so I am not taking this verse out of context (let me know if you disagree with any of these upcoming statements, would love to learn). 

In Exodus 14 we see the Israelites finally leaving Egypt, and all the slavery they faced within that land.  In this passage they are crossing the Red Sea and running away from an army that tried to suppress and follow them out of Egypt. They camp at the Red Sea, as the Lord commanded Moses; and when the Egyptians get close to camp, they freak out. They cry out to God and God tells Moses to move forward through the Red Sea (Ex. 14:15-16). This is where God opens the Red Sea and closes it behind them, killing the army.  

The verses I want to focus on is Exodus 14:10-14: 

“When Pharaoh drew near, the people of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold, the Egyptians were marching after them, and they feared greatly. And the people of Israel cried out to the Lord. They said to Moses, ‘Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: ‘Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.” And Moses said the people: ‘Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

God brought them out of a land of abuse and slavery, and He did the same for us on that cross. But, how quickly the Israelites forgot what He had done. How quickly they abandoned their faith to look at the army of trouble that was headed their way. 

And, how often have I felt this way? How often has God brought me to a place of redemption, or a new place, and after my first hardship all I want to do is go back to where I came from? As I sit here reminiscing on how many times God showed up and fought my battles for me, I am confident He will do it again through these upcoming trials I am experiencing in Peru. And I am confident He will do it for you as well. 

We must approach this sensitive with clear, confident and quiet faith. We must put up with the stillness in this life, just as we would deal with the craziness. The words have been living in my head for the past few days: “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” (Ex. 14:14). 

This does not mean we are called to be sedentary; we can see that in the fact that right after these words were uttered out of his mouth, God’s next commandment for them was go. But simply that there is a time for quietness (or stillness) where we learn and listen, and a time for action (or movement) where we trust and obey. But no matter what God asks of us we must do it for His glory and His glory only, meeting Him with the same love and sacrifice as He showed us. 

I think Paul says it best in Philippians 4:11-13:

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” 

Whatever God asks of us, He has given us the strength to do it.

rememberme.

I have been going through the Bible in a year off a devotional that the church here gave me called “Nuestro Pan Diario”. I fell a bit behind, as I admitted in another post of mine on facebook, and was reading a big chunk of Genesis the other day. There are parts of Genesis (or the OT in general, amiright) that I thoroughly enjoy, and other parts where I am confused as to how it got in. But, I digress. 

I was reading Joseph’s and was beautifully reminded, by God, that God does not forget the little people. We can see in this story, that even if it feels like everyone else has forgotten you, or is rude to you, or sells you to Egyptians, that God still sees… and remembers. I think that is especially important for us to remember right now. Whatever battles, internal struggles or seemingly life-devastating news we are getting right now, both personally and socially; the fact still that God sees and remembers. 

Genesis: 37-50.

I felt this story on a personal level. With Peru. I am here. I am willing. I am waiting. And I will continue to wait because I am here for a reason; even if people can’t quite understand what I’m trying to say in my native tongue, or in the one I’m learning. I may be misunderstood, but God cannot be. I may be searching for reason, but God is not. I may be forgotten in a big world, but God has my name written in His book. His name is big and strong and hard to forget (whether you like the name or not). He sees, He hears and He remembers (like an elephant haha).

One verse that sticks out to me the most in Josephs story is Genesis 50:20a, it says:

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good..”

Right now, here in Peru, they are talking about shutting down again. There are talks of another quarantine, and the restrictions are tighter on when we can leave our houses. It’s scary, and it feels a bit overwhelming. I am sure for many people feel forgotten, left behind or like they just can’t win. I know I often find myself thinking, am I invisible?

How selfish is that? People are dying and I’m worried about if anyone misses me.

My boyfriend recently wrote a story that I think really sums up what I was feeling. What’s crazy is we didn’t even discuss it before he sent it to me. He gave me permission to share a small excerpt from his story here (I will translate underneath) with you all: 

“Tus colores y tu vuelo llenan de lágrimas mis mejillas ¿Cómo pude haber sido tan torpe? ¿Cómo pude haber sido tan egoísta? ¿Cómo pude haberme olvidado de mi Creador?, para él jamás caeré en el olvido y si yo muriese, porque creí en su hijo, me sacará del olvido y me llevará consigo.”

A rough translation: “Your colors and your flight fill my cheeks with tears, how could I have been so thick? How could I have been so selfish? How could I have forgotten about my Creator? For He will never let me fall into oblivion and if I die, because I believe in his Son, He will take me out of oblivion and will take me with Him.”  

I know when he reads this, he’s going to say that the words get lost in translation, but even when I read it in my native tongue my eyes fill with tears. 

It’s true. We get so caught up in things that don’t matter. We can get caught up in thinking, how could this ever end? What if I die alone? I don’t even want people to remember. I want to cease to exist.  

No matter the thoughts, no matter the mood – we must remember our creator is not finished yet with His mighty plan for the individual and for the whole body.  

Romans 8:28 tells us that God works everything for the good of everyone who loves Him. This verse gives me hope. We see that in the story of Joseph, and I’ve witnessed it in my own life. In a time that seems to be lacking hope, we must clutch onto God with everything that we have. We must lay down our own lives as a thank you for what He did for us (is still doing).

Life may throw ugly stuff our way, but as Joseph tells his brothers (above) God takes ugly and turns it beautiful. He remembers.

Wherever God takes you, He will remember you.

humility.

At the monastary.

God is teaching me to be humble. 

In a big way. 

Not knowing how to say simple things, or communicate how you feel in your heart, is frustrating and confusing at times. Needing someone to help you with basic tasks, like where to run, where to shop, how to pay, is funny at times but also exhausting. God has put through many situations this week where I was forced to ask for help. First, from Him and then from the people around me. 

I thank Him for delivering me from dark thoughts, and uncomfortability. 

I moved into my apartment last Tuesday, and it was hard to say goodbye to Carlo and his family. They were so kind, and kept me well-fed, and taught me how to be safe here in Peru with this pandemic still going. During my time with Carlo, I was able to go out a few times with him (and sometimes his mom) and see how stores are here. People tend to stare as I walk by them. 

The rules here are a bit more strict than in my area of Washington, and the president announced this morning they are lengthening the time of curfew. There was mention of a possible quarantine, but my roommate told me it might not be a good idea for the economy to do so. I am praying she is correct. Stores are limited in capacity again and everywhere you go you must wear a mask and put on hand sanitizer before entering. Luckily, I always am accompanied by someone when I go out – unless I go run or walk in the park near my house. 

Last Saturday, my roommate and I went to a mercado on the other side of town and bought food for the week. I´m already out of cheese. This is one of the many things God is teaching me about – thankfulness for what you have and not longing for what you don´t. 

Matthew 6:25-34 is being read every single day up on my roof before I start my day. 

There are many things to be anxious about, but what does that add to my life? 

Other than learning Spanish, and learning how to do life here. I have been able to go see some places with Carlo and some of his friends. Last week, I was able to go a monastery with him that was there for hundreds of years. There was a lot of really cool history and we were able to walk within the same halls/corridors where countless nuns took vows of silence and lived humbly. Than a few a days after that Carlo and his friends took me to the Museo de La Catedral de Arequipa. There was more gold on display than I had ever seen in my life, and some of the artwork was so beautiful. The culture of Peru has a very strong Catholic overtone, so it’s interesting to contrast with back home. I have been to one restaurant with Carlo and his friends, but we tend to stay home of just walk outside because … well … COVID.

My classes are getting harder, and a lot of times I feel a little overwhelmed with how much goes into a language. It’s fascinating to me the way we communicate. How sentences formulate rapidly in our brains and come to life through sounds we form with our mouths. And, just how difficult it actually is in the beginning. 

Usually, my tongue feels like it’s struggling and flopping around in my mouth when I speak Spanish. I am by no means the natural I thought I was going to be. But, I’m not giving up. The benefits of being here, far out way the bad, and everyday I feel like I improve just a little bit more. I feel at home here, and I’m not ready to give up yet. 

"Pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; 
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
- 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Whatever God asks of us, He has prepared us for. 

Prayer request! Thank you for taking the time to read about my heart and my well-being. I would like to ask if some of you could be praying with what I should be doing next. If God wants something more of me while I am here. I am getting connected with a church and hopefully starting to teach kids english very soon, but it’s a slow-process with COVID on the loose. I am excited to see why exactly I am here, other than to learn Spanish.

unasemana.

I have been out of quarantine for about a week now. 

I am no longer touch-starved, no longer alone and no longer patiently waiting for the sun to reach my pale skin. This past week, I had the opportunity to spend Christmas with my boyfriend and his family, and learn a little bit of what my life will be like for the next year. It’s been challenging navigating Spanish in real-time (all I experienced before was through the phone), and a little challenging to abide by the laws of Corona in Peru out on the street. Carlo’s family has been so sweet and helpful during this time of learning.
Next week, on Tuesday, I move to my final destination. I’m nervous, excited and a little anxious to start taking care of myself in the world of this new culture. But, I keep reminding myself that God is so much bigger than I can ever imagine. He’s taken care of me this far and I have nothing to worry about. He wants me here. So, why won’t he sustain me here? 

If this year has taught me anything, it’s that God’s will always wins. I know I needed to learn so much before setting foot into Peru. There were things I didn’t want to learn that God force-fed me. There were relationships I needed to fix, people I needed to forgive, and life-skills I needed to pick up on before coming here. I am so beyond grateful that God gifted me with a whole year to process, be angry and breathe. 

Finally, I am seeing the fruit of my labor. 

Yesterday, I was invited to a meeting for teachers of English in Peru and offered a job. Currently, I am praying for God’s wisdom on when to start teaching. I know making money is important, but I also don’t want to overwhelm myself with too much new. If people could be praying for that – I would greatly appreciate it. 

I don’t have too much to report because this week has been really relaxing (which is something I didn’t know I needed). But, even with the relaxation, I am learning a lot. 

Wherever God begins, He will finish.

cuarentena.

Psalm 27 is my mantra during this time.

Every day that passes me by in quarantine, my anxiety grows a little. When I admit things like this to people around me, I feel like I’m weak. There’s a voice inside my head that tells me, now they’re going to know you can’t make it alone. Since I was child, I had a lot of pride in the fact that I didn’t need people around me to help. I never liked to admit when I felt alone, or saddened by the absence of another human being; and I never wanted to feel like a burden to someone. As I grew into a teen, I would get mad at myself whenever I felt ‘left-out’ of group activities and I would lie to myself saying ‘you didn’t need them anyway.’

In my early twenties, a few years after I professed a need for a savior, I had the opportunity to lead middle schoolers during the summer (I know I’ve talked about this a lot). One of the things I got a chance to share with them was how God didn’t create us to be a solo entity, but one whole body. In the garden even Adam wasn’t meant to be alone. I found it funny that I was the one sharing that message because for years I refused to admit my need for community. 

And now, here I am again, re-reading my message to those kids. 

Peru is beautiful. The weather, although a little dryer than I am used to, is phenomenal; the sun has been out every single day since I arrived. I thrive off of vitamin-D. I know this is a blessing from God that it hasn’t rained or been cloudy since being here. I try to spend as much time on the roof reading or journaling soaking in the rays (I have to be careful because the sun is strong here and I am… pale). Every morning I sit out on my balcony watching the busy street below and trying to guess where each car is speeding off to. And I’m reminded of how small my existence on this side of Heaven really is. 

The sun is a blessing.
My bible is a blessing.

This aloneness and communion with God is a blessing.

But, while I sit here, alone, waiting for a phone call from one of my teachers; I can’t help but feel exhausted. 

It has been 8 days since my last hug. And it sounds so silly… but, I think for the first time in my life – I’m willing to admit I need a community, and whole-heartedly submit to that statement. 

I know that through this time of solitude, God is solidifying my faith and making me stronger than I have ever known in Him. I am excited to see the end result of His hard work in me at the end of this time. But, I think one of the trickiest things is that God calls us to a state of weakness and vulnerability (I’ve never been so good at that part) before He builds a new home within us. (2 Corinthians 12:9, Philippians 4:12-13). He’s pulling out all of those lies I used to repeat to myself as a kid out of my heart and replacing them with actual truths I was made to obey. 

The process is hard. One could even say it’s crippling. Every day I’m on my knees before the Lord asking Him to speed up the days with something – anything – so I can just feel the presence of another human being next to me. But, as Jesus walked alone in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights (at least I have food and water) – I know this is something I have to do. Dare I say it, something I chose to do. I know that the Lord hears my prayers every night before I go to sleep with a small tightness in my chest, and I know this struggle is not in vain. 

I know that what I am going through right now, there are people all over the world during this pandemic who have gone through this, or are currently going through this. I am not alone. And neither are you. 

Hebrews 4:15 says: “For we do not have a high priest (Jesus) who is unable to empathize with our weakness, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet He did not sin.” (Parentheses mine). 

So, what I haven taken from this passage has always been that we are never alone in a feeling. Jesus felt what we felt. Lonely. Sad. Angry. Only without sin. 

Not only that, take a look at the passage 1 Peter 5:9, there are people allllll over the world who are struggling just like me – and weirdly, I find that comforting. 

Because I know,

Wherever God allows you to go, He has been there first.

truechange.

As a society, we are constantly bombarded with promises like, ‘Lose 30lbs in 30 days!’ or ‘Just Answer These 3 Questions and Find Out How To Make $100’. As if change happens instantaneously and takes minimal effort on our part. But, if we’re honest with ourselves true change is hard. 

And, our whole life is about change. 

Our taste buds change every 7 years, our likes and dislikes, our habits, the seasons of the year and what’s popular in the media are just to name a few. None of these happen over night. No, they start very subtly and eventually grow into something big. 

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the changes that I’ve experienced this past few years. As I’ve grown into a more health conscious adult, I’ve noticed that the biggest changes take very small baby steps on my part. When I made a promise to myself to take my rest time more seriously, I didn’t automatically start going to sleep instantly at my bedtime. It took a month for my body to adjust to going to bed at 10:30pm instead of 1am. And when I began to take my sleep more seriously I began to be able to control my coffee intake more. And when I started to get my coffee under control, I started to see change in my eating habits and my water intake. Guided by prayer this circular domino chain of new habits enabled me to get deeper, more restful sleep. One small change in my bedtime changed my outlook on what overall health actually looks like. Before any of this could happen though, I had to get real with myself. I sat myself down and wrote down my overall goal, along with little steps I can take to achieve it. 

We live in a society where instant results seem more attainable than ever, and while that may be true, lasting changes tend to not be so. We expect to create a new habit in three days. Unfortunately, our bodies and minds don’t work like that. Like a computer, a lot of our habits run deep into our software. Oftentimes our brains work against our wish for change. 

I had a professor at Ecola that explained this in a way that made a lot of sense to me. We have to think of our will as a scale instead of a timeline. On one end of the scale we have, let’s say, the want to be more active and on the other side of our scale we have the want to not be more active. Depending on your lifestyle, our natural incline to do said want will fall more on one side than the other. So, the trick is to continue to fight your inner-self to tip that scale. So, eventually you’ll be 51% on wanting to be more active and 49% on wanting to not. The more you feed into the want to be more active, the higher the percentage will go up on it. 

That not only affects us in our physical wants, but in our spiritual walk as well. I am a strong believer that mental, spiritual and physical health all run hand and hand. So, the only way to inflict true change in your life is to get ourselves right before God and ask for His help on this journey. 

We all know that I am going to end on a connection to our walk with God. 🙂 

Sanctification is a lifelong process. And we know from reading verses like Philippians 1:6 that He doesn’t leave anything unfinished. So, why do we think that we’re going to change everything over night? Constantly Paul tells us to walk with the Spirit and not the flesh, and there has to be a reason that idea is flooded all throughout the new testament – could it be that we need a subtle reminder every few days to get back on track? As we grow and mature in our walk with Christ this idea becomes easier and easier, I think, but we still fall short of the glory of God. We must continue to pursue Christ’s words and commandments until our ‘want to do God’s will’ is at 100% instead of 29%, 67% or anything lower. 

So, let’s ask ourselves these questions: what percentage am I? Am I willing to ask God to help me change that percentage? Am I willing to accept parts of the Bible I don’t like/agree with? Am I asking God to help me understand better these parts I don’t like/agree with? Am I pursuing truth? 

Whatever God answers, I will obey.

imstillhere.

I’m here to tell you: you can.

You can stop that bad habit you’ve been trying to for years.

You can run that first mile.

You can turn that disappointment into an opportunity for growth.

You can trust yourself alone with your thoughts.

You can.

This past month in a half has hit me in my nostalgia bones hard. As I think back to mindset I had in my early twenties, I am reminded how little we actually know when we think we know it all. I often acted out of selfish motive or within a boxed-in perimeter of walls lined with ‘I can’t’. It wasn’t until I started to take my relationship with the Lord a little more serious and did stuff I told myself I wasn’t capable of doing that I stepped beyond self-sabotage and began to speak to myself in a kinder way. I stopped reminding myself of all the times I failed people and accepted to grace that God had died to give me. It was freeing.

God has brought me to humility doing something that I never wanted to do: wait. When I decided to take a leap on an opportunity to learn Spanish last year, I thought for sure it would be an easy transition. I planned on coming home to visit with family for a month before I left on my venture to Peru. I planned every second of every day, so I could feel the time was spent worthwhile. But I am still here.

I hate waiting. I say this in comfort knowing I have many like-minded folks around me.
Waiting is not easy. It feels suffocating and never-ending. With the stay-at-home order changing before my eyes every second of every day, not just in North America but in Peru as well, I feel a little lost. I repeat verses like Philippians 4:6-7 and 1 Peter 5:7 to myself often in the late nights that I can’t sleep. There is more unknown around me than I have ever known in my life (again I say this knowing many can relate).

Often in waiting, I start to make new plans. I think to myself, if this door is closed than surely there is a way around it! But I cannot do that. There is no plan that I can make past 24 hours, and even in those 24 hours there are other people who change the schedule I have for myself. At first, I found it frustrating to navigate my plans but now I find it freeing. I feel as if God is teaching me patience in a new exciting way. He’s pulling me into a deeper understanding of the words: Not my will, but Yours be done.

So, take out a notebook. Line it with three columns: things I want to do, things God has done and things I can do right now. We are resilient creatures. We are stronger than we ever could imagine. Peace is accessible even in times that feel like the world is crashing all around us. Hope is immeasurable in God’s arms. Patience is needed to persevere our toughest challenges. Faith will pull us through. Don’t give up. Do yourself a favor and pursue your goals in the comfort of you Fathers gaze. Ask for His help.

Wherever God lands me is where He wants me right now.

content.

I haven’t written in a while here. I have made many attempts to put words on paper, but nothing ever seems to suffice. The words never seemed right when I read them back to myself and my head couldn’t seem to finish a post all the way through.
In all honesty, I didn’t really know what to say. 

I know all of us are struggling right, some more than others, with this new lifestyle we’ve had to acquire for the safety of ourselves and our loved ones. Some of us have had to cancel big plans, some of us have lost our jobs and any sense of security seems more fragile than before. The future seems even more unsure in my mind than it has ever before. 

My first posts I wrote were basically just me complaining about how unfair this situation was to me. Before my eyes I saw something I had been planning for years yanked away from me faster than I could say ‘change’. But, that’s not what I created this blog to do – and I know that there is something better waiting for me when all this is over. The other half of my unfinished posts was trying to be encouraging to anyone who would listen. But, what is there to say? 

So, I have decided to give an update of my well-being. Hopefully someone can read this and say to themselves… ‘hey if this psycho can do it, so can I!’. 

Here we go: 

When I first heard that I was going to reschedule my flight my heart was a little bruised. I was sad and questioned myself about whether I was meant to go in the first place. I allowed myself to be honest with God, and asked myself some really tough questions. So, we rescheduled my flight and I felt peace that God knew what He was doing. 

But, then I had to reschedule it again. 

And again. 

And now, again. 

My heart aches. It aches for people around the world who are stuck in homes that are unsafe. It aches for people who are losing their jobs and not able to pay rent. It aches for young couples who have to reschedule wedding dates. It aches for people who don’t know God loves them and have lost all hope of surviving. It aches because I want to see the man that I love. 

This time has made me realize something about myself that I have denied for a very long time – I love people. I love to make people laugh, and I love to hear about their stories. I love seeing people understand more and more about God. I love interacting with them and asking them questions that make them think. I miss sitting with the middle-schoolers I taught, hearing them talk about school and watching their little brains figure out new discoveries about themselves. I have a passion to help people discover, or rediscover, that life is a gift. 

And another thing, I know now more than ever that God is not saying no to Peru. He is simply saying trust me. I think my eyes were so heavy set on the future, or my trip specifically, that I forgot that the place I am at right now is just as important. I am in such a rush sometimes to get to the next thing that I leave the present in the past… and that gets tiresome. 

So, my heart may be crushed. My pride may be abandoned. But, my joy and my hope are still there. God has been so gracious with reminding me, almost hourly, that His ways are higher than my ways. And ultimately, no matter how much a kick and scream, His plan is what always prevails. 

I really do appreciate all the love and support I’ve received during a time when everyone feels a little blah. And to answer any questions – YES I AM STILL GOING TO BE GOING TO PERU. 

Here’s some wise words from Paul: 

“I am not saying this because I am in need—for whatever circumstance I am in, I have learned to be content. I know what it is to live with humble means, and I know what it is to live in prosperity. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment—both to be filled and to go hungry, to have abundance and to suffer need. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:11-12)

These words have never felt more true to me than this last month. Whatever trial we face we can find strength, joy, peace, patience, our identity and love from a God who gave it all.

Wherever God takes us, He will go also.